First of all, I lived for the frogs in CR. Is that Cristina with their most famous hopper?
You and I could talk about this for ages, but I especially relate to hating them, then hating ourselves for hating them, then realising we hate ourselves and that's why we hate...
Eg.
I walked past a tall American just yesterday and glared at him in distain. And I wasn't guessing from his size or slides that he was 🇺🇲 I was basing that assumption on the accent that I could hear extremely clearly as he had a (what I'd call) shouted conversation into his phone. That volume is one I reserve for when I'm actually angry. How bizarre. But more bizarre is that people assume I'm LIKE HIM when they see me on the street *seeths in migrant* 😆
It would be hard for me to properly express how much I appreciate you, Nadine. It’s not just because you’re kind to me, that you’ve read my Substack, and that you’ve commented. That all is nice, for sure.
It’s that you’re fearlessly present in the conversation.
I appreciate this piece, Damon. Nice reflection. It’s not all sunshine and ocean breezes. That banter you mentioned is definitely something I miss. However, not enough to go back for more than a few days .
And as for the “expat” vs “immigrant” debate. I get it but I’ve got other things on my mind and I guess I’ve started calling myself an immigrant in my mind but I’m not going to make a big deal out of it.
She doesn't mention it in this piece, not exactly, but I've talked to her enough to know how she feels. She sees it as a self-defining label. She's like, "Call yourself what you want, and if you want me to call you that, I'm happy to oblige."
Thanks for reading, Jen, and thanks for the reflection.
Hah, I can relate to many of your points. Although I don´t consider myself neither an expat, nor an immigrant. :) I came as an exchange student and decided to live somewhere else for now, this is how I define it. :) But I moved from one European country to another (totally different languages and culture tho), so there might be many different layers to this.
I am often contemplating on, why I moved and your piece was a nice re-visit of the topic.
Yep, I definitely recognize the "how have you done it, everything is green and juicy and easy breeze over there" vibe coming from others still on the fence to making a move.;)
I actually find it more of a mystery to figure out why is it I felt like living my life somewhere else, how to master to be "neither fully here, but nor there fully again"...
But yes, looking in the eye of all parts of ourselves with compassion, also the ones not appealing pretty and nice is quite a journey, haha. Not always dancing on roses (or maybe exactly that with lovely smell and occasionally some thorns...;)).
Calling out my uglier parts of self is how I feel at peace with them. I think we all want that.
As far as why any of us feel "like living [our] life somewhere else," it's a fun inquiry. I love this as an ice breaker when meeting people.
Lastly, FWIW, I've come to accept that there is no "there." Not really. It's all here-ness. "There," is just a story or simple framing for dialogue between people.
Haha, that is such an interesting point you are touching upon there. I wrote my Master thesis (landscape architecture) on the here and there and dissolving/inhabiting the "border" between them and how we can borrow from each in the section, where they meet. Thank you for reminding me of this.
As a fun matter, I call my homes: "here-home and there-home" - and in my language, Hungarian it makes complete sense. When I am in Hungary I call my Danish home "there-home" and when I am in Copenhagen, my family´s home is got to be called "there-home" then. :)
What a cute shop! And love the surfboard! And the diatribe - well understood! I wrote a book about moving to MX so I wouldn't have to explain it yet again, haha.
I'm currently traveling in Latin America (Ecuador, presently) to improve my Spanish. You know how people always say, people appreciate it when you try to speak their language? I never feel appreciation when I mangle Spanish. I have been traveling for 13 years, at least a couple of those in Spanish-speaking countries where I am a gringo. I don't consider myself an expat because I don't live anywhere. But whether I am or not, I don't hate them. Actually, they are quite beneficial for me right now because we have been doing some house sitting in South America and most of the people on the app we use to connect with people who need house sitters are expats.
I understand hating expats, but not when you are one of them. Its like those people who move to a certain area, it become popular, and then they complain about people moving in. Well, you moved in first, you didn't think other people would be attracted to the same things that attracted you.
I'm sure there is lots of expat regret. And people who move to a foreign country and don't want to learn the language and just live in expat communities. Its unfortunate.
Funny, being an obvious English speaker, we often get approached by other English speakers that are native to whatever country we are visiting but not live in the US. They want to talk to the Gringos - someone who is from what their home is now.
Expat. Migrant. I've always thought when I am in a country outside my own, those other people who live there from other countries are expats. But to the native residents of that country, those expats are migrants. I don't know if the people that we consider migrants in my country (US) consider themselves expats, but it would make sense if they did.
You're so right. It makes no sense to hate expats when you are one of them. And yet, here we are, all of our foolish behavior on display.
I love that you're exploring. We've not been south of Panama so I'm also envious of where you are, even though I've heard the beaches in Ecuador are verrrry warm. Worth it.
I could relate to so much of this, Damon. I love your honest writing style. You made me think about the reasons I left home to find a new life. Originally, I know I was running both from and to. I wanted a new life, but what I found was the same person in a different life. Greece has become my place of healing. The first time I came here in 2011, I came face to face with a co-dependent me who had no people in need of my help. It was a time of personal crisis that I will forever be grateful for. This time it was to come back to the life I knew was possible here. And yet, more healing happened. I will always be grateful for the peace and solitude I found here which gave me the space to sit and ponder. And that allowed me to expand into a new space of gratitude, love, and acceptance. Whether we stay here or move on to Italy as we're planning, I will always see this place as a refuge, not from life, but for the tiny person inside who just needed to be loved and allowed some air.
Lovely reflection. I'm stoked this piece landed for you.
It's interesting idea to think that the right space can allow parts of us that have served their purpose can take new roles in our lives. That's how I'm interpreting what you've shared.
In any case, may you continue to feel gratitude, love, and acceptance.
I enjoyed every bit of this Damon. Your experience and introspection are - as always - valuable and give me lots to chew on.
It's not quite self-hatred but I've had some not-so-nice feelings about my never wanting to go live abroad.
Like, I'm so unadventurous and not open-minded enough.
I've had many friends move to other countries and none of what they told me about their 'new' lives sounded like something I wanted.
I feel like I *should* want to go somewhere else because that means I'm not living small and sticking to what I know. There's some shame there for sure.
But it also seems that I may not be trying to escape myself - at least in this way.
I'm both glad and sorta sad that this has what I interpret as a kind of universal resonance. We can all carry a kind of self-loathing, I s'pose. We can all "run into ourselves on the street," and be mean to that person for no reason.
And, as you allude to, I imagine we can all find many ways to run from all of who we are in creative, and unobvious ways.
I finally got around to reading this Damon - So good! Thank you!
That ending... it's deep. The idea that there's no real separation between ourselves and others, that we're just being awful to ourselves when we judge - that's some heavy stuff to chew on. I totally agree.
Honored that you made the time, and tickled that you took the message to heart. This, I think, was the whole point.
Fun fact, I tried writing this piece about 7 years back. I couldn’t figure out the point so it just read like cranky Damon. I mean, it’s still a little bit that, but the end resonated so I call that a win.
We've already discussed this (in person!!!) so you know what my big takeaway was - "wherever you go, there you are."
Before I set off on this first leg of my sojourn, I talked to so many people with envy in their eyes. "I wish I could do that." And I could tell that if they did do it, they'd just be planting their burdens and wounds in a new place with even less cultural support than they were used to.
That can be a helpful disruption. But it can also be ruinous.
Thank you, JJ. I appreciate your thoughts, both here and in the meatspace.
As we talked about yesterday, it's true that so many of us would-be-expats are running from something. Ultimately, we can't run toward anything with running from something, and much of this is just another story we're telling ourselves.
Perhaps, the wise runner knows they will never outrun what haunts them. They're not so much running from it, since it will either keep pace or catch up in time, but running because it suits them, running free from attachment to outcomes.
First of all, I lived for the frogs in CR. Is that Cristina with their most famous hopper?
You and I could talk about this for ages, but I especially relate to hating them, then hating ourselves for hating them, then realising we hate ourselves and that's why we hate...
Eg.
I walked past a tall American just yesterday and glared at him in distain. And I wasn't guessing from his size or slides that he was 🇺🇲 I was basing that assumption on the accent that I could hear extremely clearly as he had a (what I'd call) shouted conversation into his phone. That volume is one I reserve for when I'm actually angry. How bizarre. But more bizarre is that people assume I'm LIKE HIM when they see me on the street *seeths in migrant* 😆
Thank you for the tag and nod 🙂↕️ at the end.
It would be hard for me to properly express how much I appreciate you, Nadine. It’s not just because you’re kind to me, that you’ve read my Substack, and that you’ve commented. That all is nice, for sure.
It’s that you’re fearlessly present in the conversation.
Well now I'm concerned... Was there something to fear?? 🤭
zactly
I appreciate this piece, Damon. Nice reflection. It’s not all sunshine and ocean breezes. That banter you mentioned is definitely something I miss. However, not enough to go back for more than a few days .
And as for the “expat” vs “immigrant” debate. I get it but I’ve got other things on my mind and I guess I’ve started calling myself an immigrant in my mind but I’m not going to make a big deal out of it.
I like Nadine Heir's take on the expat v immigrant convo.
https://open.substack.com/pub/writewiser/p/rebuttal-to-the-dirty-little-secret
She doesn't mention it in this piece, not exactly, but I've talked to her enough to know how she feels. She sees it as a self-defining label. She's like, "Call yourself what you want, and if you want me to call you that, I'm happy to oblige."
Thanks for reading, Jen, and thanks for the reflection.
Hah, I can relate to many of your points. Although I don´t consider myself neither an expat, nor an immigrant. :) I came as an exchange student and decided to live somewhere else for now, this is how I define it. :) But I moved from one European country to another (totally different languages and culture tho), so there might be many different layers to this.
I am often contemplating on, why I moved and your piece was a nice re-visit of the topic.
Yep, I definitely recognize the "how have you done it, everything is green and juicy and easy breeze over there" vibe coming from others still on the fence to making a move.;)
I actually find it more of a mystery to figure out why is it I felt like living my life somewhere else, how to master to be "neither fully here, but nor there fully again"...
But yes, looking in the eye of all parts of ourselves with compassion, also the ones not appealing pretty and nice is quite a journey, haha. Not always dancing on roses (or maybe exactly that with lovely smell and occasionally some thorns...;)).
Calling out my uglier parts of self is how I feel at peace with them. I think we all want that.
As far as why any of us feel "like living [our] life somewhere else," it's a fun inquiry. I love this as an ice breaker when meeting people.
Lastly, FWIW, I've come to accept that there is no "there." Not really. It's all here-ness. "There," is just a story or simple framing for dialogue between people.
Haha, that is such an interesting point you are touching upon there. I wrote my Master thesis (landscape architecture) on the here and there and dissolving/inhabiting the "border" between them and how we can borrow from each in the section, where they meet. Thank you for reminding me of this.
As a fun matter, I call my homes: "here-home and there-home" - and in my language, Hungarian it makes complete sense. When I am in Hungary I call my Danish home "there-home" and when I am in Copenhagen, my family´s home is got to be called "there-home" then. :)
Playing with here and there as concepts is good fun. Glad it landed for you.
What a cute shop! And love the surfboard! And the diatribe - well understood! I wrote a book about moving to MX so I wouldn't have to explain it yet again, haha.
Them: Tell me your Mexico story.
You: Sure. Here's a link to my book on Amazon.
Funny, huh? Just like you fielded the question a zillion times, we did too. And you're right, everyone wants to know.
I'm currently traveling in Latin America (Ecuador, presently) to improve my Spanish. You know how people always say, people appreciate it when you try to speak their language? I never feel appreciation when I mangle Spanish. I have been traveling for 13 years, at least a couple of those in Spanish-speaking countries where I am a gringo. I don't consider myself an expat because I don't live anywhere. But whether I am or not, I don't hate them. Actually, they are quite beneficial for me right now because we have been doing some house sitting in South America and most of the people on the app we use to connect with people who need house sitters are expats.
I understand hating expats, but not when you are one of them. Its like those people who move to a certain area, it become popular, and then they complain about people moving in. Well, you moved in first, you didn't think other people would be attracted to the same things that attracted you.
I'm sure there is lots of expat regret. And people who move to a foreign country and don't want to learn the language and just live in expat communities. Its unfortunate.
Funny, being an obvious English speaker, we often get approached by other English speakers that are native to whatever country we are visiting but not live in the US. They want to talk to the Gringos - someone who is from what their home is now.
Expat. Migrant. I've always thought when I am in a country outside my own, those other people who live there from other countries are expats. But to the native residents of that country, those expats are migrants. I don't know if the people that we consider migrants in my country (US) consider themselves expats, but it would make sense if they did.
Cheers for reading and reflecting, Duwan.
You're so right. It makes no sense to hate expats when you are one of them. And yet, here we are, all of our foolish behavior on display.
I love that you're exploring. We've not been south of Panama so I'm also envious of where you are, even though I've heard the beaches in Ecuador are verrrry warm. Worth it.
To adventure, Duwan!
I could relate to so much of this, Damon. I love your honest writing style. You made me think about the reasons I left home to find a new life. Originally, I know I was running both from and to. I wanted a new life, but what I found was the same person in a different life. Greece has become my place of healing. The first time I came here in 2011, I came face to face with a co-dependent me who had no people in need of my help. It was a time of personal crisis that I will forever be grateful for. This time it was to come back to the life I knew was possible here. And yet, more healing happened. I will always be grateful for the peace and solitude I found here which gave me the space to sit and ponder. And that allowed me to expand into a new space of gratitude, love, and acceptance. Whether we stay here or move on to Italy as we're planning, I will always see this place as a refuge, not from life, but for the tiny person inside who just needed to be loved and allowed some air.
Lovely reflection. I'm stoked this piece landed for you.
It's interesting idea to think that the right space can allow parts of us that have served their purpose can take new roles in our lives. That's how I'm interpreting what you've shared.
In any case, may you continue to feel gratitude, love, and acceptance.
I enjoyed every bit of this Damon. Your experience and introspection are - as always - valuable and give me lots to chew on.
It's not quite self-hatred but I've had some not-so-nice feelings about my never wanting to go live abroad.
Like, I'm so unadventurous and not open-minded enough.
I've had many friends move to other countries and none of what they told me about their 'new' lives sounded like something I wanted.
I feel like I *should* want to go somewhere else because that means I'm not living small and sticking to what I know. There's some shame there for sure.
But it also seems that I may not be trying to escape myself - at least in this way.
Thanks for giving me that perspective.
Thank you, Lynn.
I'm both glad and sorta sad that this has what I interpret as a kind of universal resonance. We can all carry a kind of self-loathing, I s'pose. We can all "run into ourselves on the street," and be mean to that person for no reason.
And, as you allude to, I imagine we can all find many ways to run from all of who we are in creative, and unobvious ways.
I finally got around to reading this Damon - So good! Thank you!
That ending... it's deep. The idea that there's no real separation between ourselves and others, that we're just being awful to ourselves when we judge - that's some heavy stuff to chew on. I totally agree.
I hope you have a fantastic week ahead.
Honored that you made the time, and tickled that you took the message to heart. This, I think, was the whole point.
Fun fact, I tried writing this piece about 7 years back. I couldn’t figure out the point so it just read like cranky Damon. I mean, it’s still a little bit that, but the end resonated so I call that a win.
not cranky at all. Honest! I am happy you decided to share Damon. Happy Monday!
Means a lot, Neela. This felt like such a risk to publish, especially the part where I offer a strong opinion on a spicy subject.
We've already discussed this (in person!!!) so you know what my big takeaway was - "wherever you go, there you are."
Before I set off on this first leg of my sojourn, I talked to so many people with envy in their eyes. "I wish I could do that." And I could tell that if they did do it, they'd just be planting their burdens and wounds in a new place with even less cultural support than they were used to.
That can be a helpful disruption. But it can also be ruinous.
Stellar piece, brother.
Thank you, JJ. I appreciate your thoughts, both here and in the meatspace.
As we talked about yesterday, it's true that so many of us would-be-expats are running from something. Ultimately, we can't run toward anything with running from something, and much of this is just another story we're telling ourselves.
Perhaps, the wise runner knows they will never outrun what haunts them. They're not so much running from it, since it will either keep pace or catch up in time, but running because it suits them, running free from attachment to outcomes.
I like the wise runner reframe. Chewing.
As you wish, sweet Matthew.