Thank you for surfacing this. Moving as a grownup has to be one of the key challenges to friendship for many people. It's hard enough to figure out routes and new patterns, never mind where to put the sectional in the new place.
New friends could feel like surmounting Everest in that world. (But, I think worth it.)
Would be honored to be your thinking partner on solving this if that's useful to you, Dean.
This is so good! My dad always used to tell me that a friend is a gift you give yourself. And I always thought it sounded kind of selfish but as I've grown older, I've realized what he meant by it. It means that reaching out and keeping the connection alive isn't just for that person -- it is also for you. And as I settle in to working remotely for two years now (and divorced about one), I do find myself more isolated, less social, and less active. My friends are a life line -- and I love every single one of them so much. They've carried me when I couldn't carry myself -- and I've carried them too. And when I get to spend an hour or a weekend or a minute with them, before we part ways, I always try to schedule the next time. Because it feels like a simple way to cultivate a precious thing. To know I'll get to see them again -- even if we have to cancel, reschedule, adapt because life gets in the way. I like having my friends on my calendar -- it makes me feel connected and loved. Congrats to your taco Tuesdays -- if I ever make it to see you in Mexico, maybe I'll crash your Tuesday date night!
Cheers for dropping this into the conversation. What you're saying aligns with what I'm gathering from the conversations I have on this, Melanie.
If we look ahead to someone like my mother, a couple generations ahead (let's not get too specific since the estate remains an open issue), friends are exactly what you've described. Mother is also divorced, happily for almost four decades, and her her friends are her world.
If everyone had friend game like my mother, I'd worry less about this issue. They are actively in her life.
Speaking of generational differences.... Something I've started to notice about our generation of folks is that we're good at disappearing when we don't have Instagram-worthy news to share. We can share bad news once, but if we don't have a tale of triumph to quickly follow it, we withdraw.
This is concerning AF to me. It's an idea I may just tackle in a Substack soon to come.
Thanks Damon: Luckily as an Australian who has lived in the US...I can speak both American and Canadian 🙂. I loved your article. As someone who lived in a few places in my life, I have what I would call "real" friends that I now keep up with on zoom. The fact that we were friends in the "meatspace" as you called it (interesting 🤔) made a foundation for "realness" even on line. eg: I speak with one friend in Japan every two weeks...it is precious and we range widely about what we talk about. Others in different parts of Australia happen also. I am like an expat now in a brand new rural community in Australia. Learning new skills, building relationships with people from very different life experiences than me...I never thought the skills learned living overseas would be needed in my home country. Anyway...I digress. Loved your article...friendship is so important.
You make an intriguing point about the effect of living abroad, Ian. The common perception amongst us foreign residents, at least the sort I know, is that most of us will “fail the experiment,” because so many return home within months.
But I protest! There is so much gained from the experience of any time spent abroad that wildly outweighs any criticisms of failure.
There’s also something to be said about how those who would make such “failure” claims are themselves failing to recognize the impermanence of everything. As if any move is permanent. At some point, we each have to give it all away and move on.
But, yes, yes, yes. Friendship is so central to everything we truly want.
I love this. But my closest friends are on zoom. I do think in person friends are great but I think you dismiss too easily friends you talk to but don’t live near. I think it takes extra attention to connect w those friends but I still think they can be a rich source of connection.
Thanks for the reflection, Toku. You're right. I am somewhat dismissive of digital connection, but I do so for two reasons:
1. The best research we have on this supports my concerns.
2. My lived experience supports them too.
But neither point argues for ubiquitousness. It may remain true that some people will find compelling relationships in the digital world that equal those in the meatspace. My friend Simon Parsons is with you on this point, and I wouldn't dare try to talk either of you out of your way of viewing it.
What it does make me wonder is how much the bias of our realities affects our perceptions. Like how folks who swore off ever having children change their tune once the first child is born. In my case, we were unsuccessful at having children so my song sounds like "Glad it never happened."
Again, thanks for your thoughts on this. It means a lot to this writer.
I’m finding out (too late) than even people in a big and close-knit family setting can and do experience loneliness. It was hard for me to see that. A big happy group like mine, living on top of one another in a tiny home, always doing stuff together. I didn’t think it could happen here but it did to a nearly tragic degree. Because of ignorance, full schedules, distractions, life…family can sometimes overlook things like loneliness and lonely family members can hide it, too.
Friends tend to pick up on that stuff though, and the simple (sometimes courageous) act of reaching out to a friend is an ideal antidote to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Thank you for promoting the idea and especially for acting on it.
I appreciate this candid reflection and share, Aaron. There's no denying, this shit takes courage to talk about.
What I also appreciate is you calling out ignorance.
We tend to confuse ignorance with foolishness, but there's a distinction worth investigating IMHO. Whereas foolishness is knowing something, but acting as if we don't, ignorance is the not knowing.
In the listening business, it's hard for me to hate on not knowing. Not knowing is my strongest position. It's where I find my deepest curiosity.
To be fair, we're all ignorant of about 99.99% of what's knowable when considering the entire universe. Ignorance, in that light (or darknesss?), is not a failure of character. It's a demonstration of what's realistically possible.
We might feel like we "should" know something in a given context, but that's just wanting the impossible, regardless of the context. There is a grace and compassion worth affording our tiny minds and massive hearts. May you deserve at least as much.
Well said, friend. I’m all for time spent in the meatspace, and would say that the unfoldment of our digital selves could, in theory, open opportunities for more and more interesting in person connections - if we value that, and set wise intentions to move towards them without the typical middle age inertia that can take hold. Also, vulnerability and honesty about the need.
Love this Damon! I like to look back to our primal roots when it comes to knowing what we're likely missing in the modern age. Bonding was inherent in tribes.
What we call friendship now is what that deeper bonding was for us for hundreds of thousands of years. In our ape cousins' circles, it's those who groom each other who have the tighter bonds. Robin Dunbar of Dunbar's number talks about this in his book.
While you are diplomatic about it, I believe there is no way that the deeper bonds of real friends aren't vital to flourishing and meaning.
A spouse and kids and 'connecting' on Zoom just won't cut it. And for those who think it does, they are likely living on auto pilot and it will hit them at some point. Because a spouse cannot give you all that you need. (See Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity for more brilliance here.)
And as your kids grow older, that relationship changes to something entirely different - no matter how much you think it won't.
I love that you pushed through and connected with Wes and that you both shirked the one-word answers.
Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity added to my Kindle samples, thank you for that. And thank you for adding texture to this conversation, Lynn.
I think you're right. We needn't look much farther than our ape counterparts to know what's worth paying attention to about ourselves. We see our best and scariest actions, but we can also see the consequences of those actions manifest in a world without all of our distractions.
❤️❤️❤️ Also isolated friendship-wise now that we moved to Austin
Thank you for surfacing this. Moving as a grownup has to be one of the key challenges to friendship for many people. It's hard enough to figure out routes and new patterns, never mind where to put the sectional in the new place.
New friends could feel like surmounting Everest in that world. (But, I think worth it.)
Would be honored to be your thinking partner on solving this if that's useful to you, Dean.
Sure Damon!
My heart goes out to you! It takes a little forced socialising to get past this.
That's been my experience, Nadine. Yes.
This is so good! My dad always used to tell me that a friend is a gift you give yourself. And I always thought it sounded kind of selfish but as I've grown older, I've realized what he meant by it. It means that reaching out and keeping the connection alive isn't just for that person -- it is also for you. And as I settle in to working remotely for two years now (and divorced about one), I do find myself more isolated, less social, and less active. My friends are a life line -- and I love every single one of them so much. They've carried me when I couldn't carry myself -- and I've carried them too. And when I get to spend an hour or a weekend or a minute with them, before we part ways, I always try to schedule the next time. Because it feels like a simple way to cultivate a precious thing. To know I'll get to see them again -- even if we have to cancel, reschedule, adapt because life gets in the way. I like having my friends on my calendar -- it makes me feel connected and loved. Congrats to your taco Tuesdays -- if I ever make it to see you in Mexico, maybe I'll crash your Tuesday date night!
Cheers for dropping this into the conversation. What you're saying aligns with what I'm gathering from the conversations I have on this, Melanie.
If we look ahead to someone like my mother, a couple generations ahead (let's not get too specific since the estate remains an open issue), friends are exactly what you've described. Mother is also divorced, happily for almost four decades, and her her friends are her world.
If everyone had friend game like my mother, I'd worry less about this issue. They are actively in her life.
Speaking of generational differences.... Something I've started to notice about our generation of folks is that we're good at disappearing when we don't have Instagram-worthy news to share. We can share bad news once, but if we don't have a tale of triumph to quickly follow it, we withdraw.
This is concerning AF to me. It's an idea I may just tackle in a Substack soon to come.
Thanks again, Mel. Love it.
Thanks Damon: Luckily as an Australian who has lived in the US...I can speak both American and Canadian 🙂. I loved your article. As someone who lived in a few places in my life, I have what I would call "real" friends that I now keep up with on zoom. The fact that we were friends in the "meatspace" as you called it (interesting 🤔) made a foundation for "realness" even on line. eg: I speak with one friend in Japan every two weeks...it is precious and we range widely about what we talk about. Others in different parts of Australia happen also. I am like an expat now in a brand new rural community in Australia. Learning new skills, building relationships with people from very different life experiences than me...I never thought the skills learned living overseas would be needed in my home country. Anyway...I digress. Loved your article...friendship is so important.
You make an intriguing point about the effect of living abroad, Ian. The common perception amongst us foreign residents, at least the sort I know, is that most of us will “fail the experiment,” because so many return home within months.
But I protest! There is so much gained from the experience of any time spent abroad that wildly outweighs any criticisms of failure.
There’s also something to be said about how those who would make such “failure” claims are themselves failing to recognize the impermanence of everything. As if any move is permanent. At some point, we each have to give it all away and move on.
But, yes, yes, yes. Friendship is so central to everything we truly want.
Get some. Celebrate it.
Thanks for joining the convo, Ian.
I love this. But my closest friends are on zoom. I do think in person friends are great but I think you dismiss too easily friends you talk to but don’t live near. I think it takes extra attention to connect w those friends but I still think they can be a rich source of connection.
Thanks for the reflection, Toku. You're right. I am somewhat dismissive of digital connection, but I do so for two reasons:
1. The best research we have on this supports my concerns.
2. My lived experience supports them too.
But neither point argues for ubiquitousness. It may remain true that some people will find compelling relationships in the digital world that equal those in the meatspace. My friend Simon Parsons is with you on this point, and I wouldn't dare try to talk either of you out of your way of viewing it.
What it does make me wonder is how much the bias of our realities affects our perceptions. Like how folks who swore off ever having children change their tune once the first child is born. In my case, we were unsuccessful at having children so my song sounds like "Glad it never happened."
Again, thanks for your thoughts on this. It means a lot to this writer.
I’m finding out (too late) than even people in a big and close-knit family setting can and do experience loneliness. It was hard for me to see that. A big happy group like mine, living on top of one another in a tiny home, always doing stuff together. I didn’t think it could happen here but it did to a nearly tragic degree. Because of ignorance, full schedules, distractions, life…family can sometimes overlook things like loneliness and lonely family members can hide it, too.
Friends tend to pick up on that stuff though, and the simple (sometimes courageous) act of reaching out to a friend is an ideal antidote to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Thank you for promoting the idea and especially for acting on it.
I appreciate this candid reflection and share, Aaron. There's no denying, this shit takes courage to talk about.
What I also appreciate is you calling out ignorance.
We tend to confuse ignorance with foolishness, but there's a distinction worth investigating IMHO. Whereas foolishness is knowing something, but acting as if we don't, ignorance is the not knowing.
In the listening business, it's hard for me to hate on not knowing. Not knowing is my strongest position. It's where I find my deepest curiosity.
To be fair, we're all ignorant of about 99.99% of what's knowable when considering the entire universe. Ignorance, in that light (or darknesss?), is not a failure of character. It's a demonstration of what's realistically possible.
We might feel like we "should" know something in a given context, but that's just wanting the impossible, regardless of the context. There is a grace and compassion worth affording our tiny minds and massive hearts. May you deserve at least as much.
Well said, friend. I’m all for time spent in the meatspace, and would say that the unfoldment of our digital selves could, in theory, open opportunities for more and more interesting in person connections - if we value that, and set wise intentions to move towards them without the typical middle age inertia that can take hold. Also, vulnerability and honesty about the need.
You just had to add that last little part, as if it's just this little thing. 😉
"Honesty about the need," is the whole thing. That's where we're all getting stuck.
Love this Damon! I like to look back to our primal roots when it comes to knowing what we're likely missing in the modern age. Bonding was inherent in tribes.
What we call friendship now is what that deeper bonding was for us for hundreds of thousands of years. In our ape cousins' circles, it's those who groom each other who have the tighter bonds. Robin Dunbar of Dunbar's number talks about this in his book.
While you are diplomatic about it, I believe there is no way that the deeper bonds of real friends aren't vital to flourishing and meaning.
A spouse and kids and 'connecting' on Zoom just won't cut it. And for those who think it does, they are likely living on auto pilot and it will hit them at some point. Because a spouse cannot give you all that you need. (See Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity for more brilliance here.)
And as your kids grow older, that relationship changes to something entirely different - no matter how much you think it won't.
I love that you pushed through and connected with Wes and that you both shirked the one-word answers.
Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity added to my Kindle samples, thank you for that. And thank you for adding texture to this conversation, Lynn.
I think you're right. We needn't look much farther than our ape counterparts to know what's worth paying attention to about ourselves. We see our best and scariest actions, but we can also see the consequences of those actions manifest in a world without all of our distractions.
Reading this pushed me to reach out to a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile…..it’s always good to stay connected. Thank you
That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing.